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From Ben Stiller To Vince Vaughn – The Best & Funny Dodgeball Quotes

Here’s a selection of Dodgeball Quotes, covering topics such as Cotton, Pepper, White Goodman, sport and inspiration.

We really hope you enjoy these quotes and that they give you something to think about.

Cotton: It looks like Peter La Fleur has actually blindfolded himself.
Pepper: Yeah, he will not be able to see very well, Cotton.

Pepper Brooks: Pepper needs new shorts, Cotton!
Cotton McKnight: Right you are, Pep.

You are th one who stares at me. Why is this?

Steve’s gotta go drain the sea-monster.
Steve the Pirate

There’s a room full of guys and a lezbo counting on you!
Patches O’Houlihan

I’m not sure who invented dodgeball, but I can almost guarantee you that it wasn’t the shortest kid in the class.
John Bingham

Forget about where you want to be and go out and build stuff. Dodgeball came from being bored at work… things happen because you make them happen. Stop sketching, and start building.
Dennis Crowley

Last I heard, my gym makes money. Yours doesn’t. My gym’s worth over $4 million. Your gym isn’t worth four. I have shareholders. You haven’t even got cup holders.
White Goodman

I know you. You know you. You know that I know that I know you.
White Goodman

Thats me grabbing the bull by the horns…its a metaphor
White Goodman

We shouldn’t be shackled up the employer/employee relationship…unless you’re into that kind of stuff a ha ha, cause I got some shackles in the back! a ha ha, just kidding, but really, I got them.
White Goodman

It’s like watching a bunch of retards trying to hump a doorknob out there.
Patches O’Houlihan

I just talked to White Goodman today, and his team REALLY wants to win this one.
Pepper Brooks

If you can dodge traffic, you can dodge a ball.
Patches O’Houlihan

Owen: I’m gonna catch up with you guys later. I’m gonna have a bathroom… go to the drink… in the bathroom.
Dwight: Whatever you do, wash your hands.

Because at Globo Gym, We’re better than you! And we know it.
White Goodman

You’re going down like a sweet muffin!
White Goodman

Kate, it’s time for you to put your mouth where our balls are.
Peter La Fleur

Cotton: It appears that Average Joe’s is forfeiting the final match.
Pepper: That’s a bold strategy, Cotton. Let’s see if it pays off for ’em.

Cram it up your cramhole, LaFleur!
White Goodman

Las Vegas. A city built of hot sand, broken dreams and $5 lobster. A city where you can get a happy ending, if you pay a little extra. A city home to a sporting event greater than the World Cup, World Series and World War II combined.
Cotton McKnight

I think most politicians could take a dodgeball in the face.
Ben Stiller

Peter: I think the lady asked you to leave.
White Goodman: This doesn’t concern you, La Fleur.
Peter: Not nearly as much as your hair does, that’s for sure.

I drink my own urine cause it’s sterile and it tastes good.
Patches O’Houlihan

(At the Bar) O hey White, I didnt know Nazi camp got out until 8…did you decide to skip arts and craft?
Peter LaFleur

Ooh, Ouchtown, population you, bro!
Pepper Brooks

You’re about as useful as a poopy flavored lolly pop.
Patches O’Houlihan

( Peter Lafleur blindfold himself) that’s a bold strategy cotton I wonder if it will pay off
Pepper Brooks

Learn the five d’s of dodgeball: dodge duck dip dive and dodge
Patches O’Houlihan

Here at Globo Gym we’re better than you, and we know it.
White Goodman

I love the smell of queef in the morning.
Patches O’Houlihan

Too bad Hallmark doesn’t make a “Sorry your dodgeball coach got killed by two tons of irony” card.
Peter La Fleur

Patches O’
Houlihan: Always remember the five d’
s of dodgeball: dodge, duck, dip, dive and dodge!

Uh, actually I decided to quit… Lance.
Peter LaFleur

Maybe we could pay it off in Canadian Dollars and save ourselves some money!

Cotton McKnight: And the Average Joe’s beat the Germans in a *shocking* upset.
Pepper Brooks: I feel *shocked*.

Nobody makes me bleed my own blood. NOBODY!
White Goodman

Dwight: We could sell blood and semen.
Dwight: What? Not mixed together.

Peter La Fleur:
Thank you Chuck NorrisChuck Norris: No Peter, thank you

Your True Nature Is Love. There’s Nothing You Can Do About It.
Byron Katie

Peter: Thank you, Chuck Norris!
Chuck Norris: Thank you Peter.

..when the first rubber ball smacked her in the head and made her brains rattle in her skull, she knew that something about this dodgeball game was different
Michael Buckley

Cotton McKnight: It looks like the clock is about to strike midnight on this Cinderella story, turning Average Joe’s into the proverbial pumpkin.
Pepper Brooks: I sure do like pumpkins, Cotton.

You’re adopted, you’re parents don’t even love you.
Peter LaFleur

Come on! I’ve got better runs in my shorts!
Patches O’Houlihan

We ARE the Globo Gym Purple Cobras… and we will, we will, rock you!
White Goodman

Is it necessary for me to drink my own urine? No, but I do it anyway because it’s sterile and I like the taste.
Rip Torn

Dwight: Bad morning, boss?
Peter La Fleur: They usually follow good nights, Dwight.

I found that if you have a goal, that you might not reach it. But if you don’t have one, then you are never disappointed. And I gotta tell ya it feels phenomenal.
Vince Vaughn

Ignore reality, there’s nothing you can do about it.
Natalie Imbruglia

At Globo Gym we understand that “ugliness” and “fatness” are genetic disorders, much like baldness or necrophilia, and it’s only your fault if you don’t hate yourself enough to do something about it.
White Goodman

Oh, I don’t think I’m a lot dumber than you think that I thought I once was.
White Goodman

I guess you’re right, I’m not really a Pirate.
Steve the Pirate

Sometimes you gotta grab life by the haunches and hump it into submission.
Patches O’Houlihan

It’s time to separate the wheat from the chaff, the men from the boys, the awkwardly feminine from the possibly Canadian.
Cotton McKnight

You’re about as useful as a poopie-flavored lollipop.
Patches O’Houlihan

Allow me the pleasure of introducing you to Blade… Laser… Blazer…
White Goodman

Hey White. You look awful fat in those pants.
Peter LaFleur

Let me tell you, a double-fault final-play elimination hasn’t occurred since the Helsinki episode of 1919, and I think we all remember how THAT turned out!
Cotton McKnight

There’s no reason we need to be shackled by the strictures of the employee-employer relationship. Unless you’re into that sort of thing. In which case, I got some shackles in the back. I’m just kidding. But seriously, I’ve got ’em.
White Goodman

White Goodman: This doesn’t concern you, La Fleur.
Peter La Fleur: Not nearly as much as your hair does.

White Goodman: Well, that’s it. Good guy wins. Bad guy loses. Big freagin’ surprise. That’
s the problem with the American cinema: Can’t handle any complexity. “Whoa! Don’t make me think!

Cotton McKnight: Average Joe’s has a tough job, facing the Lumberjacks. These woodsmen probably haven’t even smelled a woman in eight months.
Pepper Brooks: They must masturbate a lot, Cotton.

Kate Veatch: Are you reading the dictionary?
White Goodman: Oh, you caught me. I like to break a mental sweat too.

Wait, you’re telling me that there’s a guy who dresses like a pirate on our team?

Anyone with an ailment or who wears glasses or anyone slightly different suddenly wears a bull’s eye. I think that dodgeball derailed an entire generation of Americans. It’s the true red menace.
Arthur Jones

Oh, I don’t think I’m a lot dumber than you think that I thought that I thought I was once.
White Goodman

Dodgeball is a sport of violence, exclusion, and degradation.
Young Patches O’Houlihan

I miss third grade because you could kill people in dodgeball. Remember the rules to dodgeball? If you’re fat or have glasses, don’t show up because you’ll die.
Jay Mohr

Cotton McKnight: Looks like it’s gonna be a two-on-one, a ménage à trois of pain.
Pepper Brooks: Usually you pay double for that kind of action, Cotton.

Your “gym” is a skidmark on the underpants of society.
White Goodman

I guess if a person never quit when the going got tough, they wouldn’t have anything to regret for the rest of their life.
Lance Armstrong

And they love you. Whoo, do they love you. You’re their Fonzie, Pete. “Heeeeey.” Right?
White Goodman

Remember the 5 D’s of dodgeball: Dodge, Dip, Duck, Dive, and uh…Dodge!
Patches O’Houlihan

Peter La Fleur: Hey, White. I didn’t think that Nazi camp got out until eight. Did you decide to skip arts and crafts?
White Goodman: Yes, I did.

Justin: Steve! Where is it you go to do… whatever it is that you do?
Steve the Pirate: Garrr! Joe’s be the only place for me!

Stick it in your ear, La Fleur. I wouldn’t sell you your gym back for all of King Midas’ silver.
White Goodman

Now, I figured that the built-up gas in most boys’ locker rooms was enough to cause an explosion, so I wasn’t surprised when the flaming dodgeball ignited a huge WHOOOOOOOM!
Rick Riordan

If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball.
Patches O’Houlihan

It’s like watching a bunch of retards trying to hump some doorknobs out there.
Patches O’Houlihan

White Goodman: Donde esta la biblioteca, Pedro?
Peter La Fleur: What?
White Goodman: I’m thinking of opening a new Globo Gym down in Mexico City, so I’ve been boning up on my Spanish.

I know you. You know you. And I know you know that I know you.
White Goodman

I Play Dodgeball with Cannibals (Chapter 2)
Rick Riordan

Will someone catch a goddam ball! It’s like watching a bunch of retards trying to hump a doorknob out there!
Patches O’Houlihan

Kate Veatch: I’m not a banker, I’m a lawyer.
Peter La Fleur: Really? What kind of law are you involved in, pretty eyes?
Kate Veatch: Sexual harassment, mostly.

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