From Bob Baker To Mr. Larson – The Best, Funny Happy Gilmore Quotes

Chubbs: Back in 1965, Sports Illustrated said I was going to be the next Arnold Palmer.
Happy Gilmore: Yeah? What happened?
Chubbs: They wouldn’t let me play on the Pro Tour anymore.
Happy Gilmore: Ah, I’m sorry. Because you’re black?
Chubbs: Hell no! Damned alligator BIT my hand off!
Happy Gilmore: OH MY GOD!
Chubbs: Yeah. tournament down in Florida. I hooked my ball in the rough down by the lake. Damned alligator just POPPED up, cut me down on my prime. He got me, but I tore one of the b*st*rd’s eyes out though. Look at that.
Happy Gilmore: You’re pretty sick, Chubbs.

Mr.
Larson: That’s two thus far, Shooter.
Shooter McGavin: Oh, you can count. Good for you.Mr.
Larson: And YOU can count, on ME, waiting for YOU in the parking lot.

Stop fraternizing with the help Gilmore. Just hit your ball… if you can find it.

Damn you people. This is golf. Not a rock concert.

I think I just killed that Mister Mister lady.

Tap tap tap it in.

Grandma: Sir, can I trouble you for a warm glass of milk? It helps me go to sleep.
Nursing Home Orderly: You can trouble me for a warm glass of shut-the-hell-up. Now, you will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep. Check out the name tag. You’re in my world now, grandma.

The price is wrong, b*tch.

You know my girlfriend is dead. She fell off a cliff and died on impact.

Announcer: We haven’t seen Happy Gilmore play this badly since his first day on tour. He and Bob Barker are now dead last.
Bob Barker: I can’t believe you’re a professional golfer. I think you should be working at the snack bar.
Happy Gilmore: You better relax, Bob.
Bob Barker: There is no way that you could have been as bad at hockey as you are at golf.
Happy Gilmore: All right, let’s go.

McGavin: I eat pieces of sh*t like you for breakfast.
Happy: You eat pieces of sh*t for breakfast?
McGavin: No.

Mover: You hit that guy!
Happy: He shouldn’t have been standing there.

I believe that’s Mr. Gilmore’s.

Guy on Green: It’s about time!
Happy Gilmore: Yeah it is about time. I mean I just couldn’t get the ball in the hole. I *wanted* to but I just couldn’t do it.

Hey, Happy Gilmore! Come on down!

Nursing Home Orderly: Good news, everybody, we’re extending arts and crafts time by four hours today.
Elderly Woman: My fingers hurt.
Nursing Home Orderly: What’s that?
Elderly Woman: My fingers hurt.
Nursing Home Orderly: Oh, well, now your back’s gonna hurt, ’cause you just pulled landscaping duty. Anybody else’s fingers hurt?… I didn’t think so.

Thank you, Doug. You know, I saw Doug playing yesterday. And I’ve got to tell you, this guy spends more time on the sand than David Hasselhoff.

Your fingers hurt? Well now your backs gonna hurt, cause you just pulled landscaping duty. Anyone elses fingers hurt?

That Son of a b*tch. Give me my ball, come on, pop it up, you dirty b*st*rd. I swear I’m gonna… give the ball, alligator. Hey, you’ve got one eye, Chubbs. You took his hand.

Damn you people. Go back to your shanties.

You’re gonna need a blanket and suntan lotion, cause you’re never gonna get off that beach, just like the way you never got into the NHL… you jackass!

Grandma: Could I please trouble you for a warm glass of milk. It helps send me to sleep.
Orderly: You can trouble me for a warm glass of SHUT THE HELL UP!! Now you will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.

Virginia: What’s this about you breaking a rake and throwing it in the woods?
Happy Gilmore: I didn’t *break* it, I was merely testing its durability, and I *placed* it in the woods cause it’s made of wood and I thought he should be with his family.

Happy Gilmore: That guy’s driving me crazy.
Bob Barker: You know what’s driving me crazy? You not getting the ball in the hole!
Happy Gilmore: Don’t push me, Bob. Now’s not the time!

You’re gonna need a blanket and suntan lotion, cause you’re never gonna get off that beach, just like the way you never got into the NHL, ya JACKASS.

Virginia:
What the hell is going on hereHappy Gilmore: Erm… I was just looking for the other half of this bottle. Oh. There’s some… and some more.

uh oh happy learned how to putt

Happy Gilmore: What the hell is wrong with you?
Shooter McGavin: Well, Real Estate is a hobby of mine…
Shooter McGavin: Ah ah. Take one more step, I burn the house and piss on the ashes.

Damn alligator bit my hand off!

Green jacket, gold jacket who gives a crap?

Happy learned how to putt, UH-OH!

You little son of a b*tch ball! Why you don’t you just go home? That’s your HOME! Are you too good for your home? ANSWER ME! SUCK MY WHITE *ss BALL!

You were great out there today. But not that great. A lot of that was luck.

(Turns around) Psycho…

I tell you, the real winner today is the city of Portland. Every time I come here it gets hard to leave. I bet you put something to the water.

Happy Gilmore: During high school,
I played junior hockey and still hold two league records: most time spent in the penalty box; and I was the only guy to ever take off his skate and try to stab somebody.

Terry: All you ever talk about is becoming a pro hockey player, but there’
s a problem: you’re not any good.
Happy Gilmore: I am good. You know what, you’re a lousy kindergarten teacher. I’ve seen those finger-paintings you bring home and they SUCK.

you like to eat peices of sh*t for breakfast?

Donald: Hey Gilmore, you suck ya jackass.
Happy Gilmore: Why don’t you shut the hell up.

Quite a large and economically diverse crowd here at the Michelob Invitational.

Spoken like a true asshole.

You’re gonna die, clown.

Chubbs: It’s all in the hips. It’s all in the hips. It’s all in the hips. It’s all in the hips.
Happy Gilmore: Get off of me.
Chubbs: Just easing the tension, baby. Just easing the tension.
Happy Gilmore: Yeah, well ease it on someone else.

You suck! Ya Jackass!

Shooter McGavin: Just stay out of my way or you’ll pay, listen to what I say.
Happy Gilmore: Hey why don’t I just got and eat some hay. I can lay by the bay, make things out of clay, I just may, what’d ya say?

Shooter! Wanna go to the sizzler and catch some grub?

Son of a b*tch ball. Why can’t you go home? Aren’t you good enough for your home? ANSWER ME! Suck my white *ss ball!

Crazy Old Lady: Mister! Mister! Get me outta here!
Happy Gilmore: Here, eat that and leave us alone!

Now you’re gonna get it Bobby.

Happy Gilmore: I’ll make you a bet. If you get this puck into that net, I’ll never bother you again. But if you miss, you have to give me a big fat kiss. And you have to pretend you like it too.
Virginia: Do you always carry a puck with you?
Happy Gilmore: Yeah.
Happy Gilmore: Holy sh*t. Talk about your all time backfires.

Chubbs: Golf requires concentration and focus.
Happy Gilmore: Golf requires goofy pants and a fat *ss. You should talk to my neighbor the accountant. Probably a great golfer. Huge *ss.
Chubbs: I’ll bet your neighbor the accountant doesn’t have a shot at joining the pro tour, and winning the championships. Get that gold jacket like I never got.
Happy Gilmore: Gold jacket, green jacket, who gives a sh*t?

You will not make this putt… you jackass!

Chubbs: Golf’s no different from hockey. It requires talent and self discipline.
Happy: Golf requires goofy pants and a fat *ss. You should talk to my neighbor the accountant, probably a great golfer, huge *ss.
Chubbs: Hey, I’ll bet your neighbor the accountant can’t drive the ball 400 yards. I’ll bet your neighbor the accountant doesn’t have a shot to get on the Pro Tour!
Happy: And how would I do that?
Chubbs: You win the Open tomorrow, and you’re automatically on the Pro Tour. Then who knows, maybe you’ll win the Tour Championship. Get that gold jacket that I never got.
Happy: Gold jacket, green jacket, who gives a sh*t?

Thats twice thus far shooter.

You were great out there today.

And you can count on me, waiting for you in the parking lot!

You little son of a b*tch ball! Why you don’t you just go HOME? That’s your HOME! Are you too good for your HOME? ANSWER ME! SUCK MY WHITE *ss, BALL!

Somebody’s Closer!!! (High-pitched voice)

If I saw myself dressed like that, I’d have to kick my own *ss.

Happy Gilmore: Looks like a slight hill. Whaddya think?
Jack Beard: And a slant to the left.
Happy Gilmore: Nah, it looks that way cause you’ve only got one shoe on.

Chubbs: They never let me play on the pro tour.
Happy Gilmore: Oh I’m sorry Because your black?
Chubbs: HELL no. Damn alligator bit my hand off!
Happy Gilmore: OH MY GOD!

[McGavin takes a shot]Mr.
Larson: Trying to reach the green from here, Shooter?
McGavin: That’s not possible, sir.Mr.
Larson: I beg to differ, Happy Gilmore accomplished that feat no more than an hour ago.
McGavin: (turning round and seeing Mr. Larson) Well, moron, good for Happy Gilm-OH MY GOD!!

I’m stupid. You’re smart. I was wrong. You were right. You’re the best. I’m the wrost. You’re very good-looking. I’m not very attractive.

thats my puck baby dont you ever touch my puck

Lot of pressure. You’ve gotta rise above it. You’ve got to harness in the good energy, block out the bad. Harness… energy… block… bad. Feel the flow, feel it. It’s circular. Its like a carousel– you pay the quarter, you get on the horse. It goes up and down and around. Circular… circle. With the music, the flow. All good things.

your gonna die clown!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Grandma: What happened to that nice girlfriend of yours?
Happy Gilmore: Oh, She got hit by a car, she’s dead.

Announcer: We haven’t seen Happy Gilmore play this badly since his first day on tour. He and Bob Barker are now dead last.
Barker: I can’t believe you’re a professional golfer. I think you should be working at the snack bar.
Happy: You better relax, Bob.
Barker: There is no way that you could have been as bad at hockey as you are at golf.
Happy: All right. Let’s go![he punches Barker in the face]
Happy: You like that, old man?! You want a piece of me?!
Barker: [shakes his head as he get up from the ground] I don’t want a piece of you. I want the whole THING![he repeatedly punches Happy vigorously until he hits the water]
Happy: [angrily emerges from the water] Now you’re gonna get it, Bobby![he and Barker continue fighting, and they roll down the hill, until Happy conks Barker in the head and gets back on his feet]
Man from behind: [cheers Happy on] Happy!
Happy: The Price is wrong, b*tch![Barker suddenly chokes Happy and punches him 3 times]
Barker: I think you’ve had enough.[Happy tries to get back up again]
Barker: No?[he kicks Happy in the face once more]
Barker: Now you’ve had enough. [sets off, then turns back to Happy] b*tch.

That’s my puck, baby, don’t you ever touch my puck.

Stay out of my way or you’ll pay. Listen to what I say.

Shooter McGavin: You’re in big trouble though, pal. I eat pieces of sh*t like you for breakfast!
Happy Gilmore: [laughing] You eat pieces of sh*t for breakfast?
Shooter McGavin: [long pause] No!