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From Chris Farley To Dan Aykroyd – The Best Tommy Boy Quotes

Here’s a selection of Tommy Boy Quotes, covering topics such as movies, comedy, butchers, sales, love and life.

We really hope you enjoy these quotes and that they give you something to think about.

Ugh, I can actually hear you getting fatter

Tommy want wingy.
Tommy Callahan III

Waitress Helen to Tommy: “Gosh, you’re sick.
Woman with Pen

Ted, send over a bottle of bubbly in a bucket of ice and a card. Have the card read, “Tough luck, get drunk on me. Use the bucket to ice down your marbles, Yours, Z.
Ray Zalinsky

Richard Hayden: No way that just happened. My car is completely destroyed.
Tommy: I’ve seen some crazy stuff in my time, but that… was… AWESOME. Oh, sorry about your car, man. That… That sucks.

Tommy is bullcharging across campus as he is late to a final exam. He makes it just as the professor is handing out exam sheetsQuestion #
1: Some of the Framers of the United States Constitution included Thomas Jefferson, John Adams and _____ Hancock.
Tommy: (writes down) Herbie.

That’s gonna leave a mark!
Tommy Callahan III

And, the life vests, these you might need. But what are the chances of us hitting a lake. If my money says anything, it’s gonna be a mountain.
Richard Hayden

Tommy: Let’s think about this for a sec, Ted, why do they put a guarantee on a box? Hmm, very interesting.
Ted: I’m listening.
Tommy: Here’s how I see it. A guy puts a guarantee on the box ’cause he wants you to fell all warm and toasty inside.
Ted: Yeah, makes a man feel good.
Tommy: ‘Course it does. Ya think if you leave that box under your pillow at night, the Guarantee Fairy might come by and leave a quarter.
Ted: What’s your point?
Tommy: The point is, how do you know the Guarantee Fairy isn’t a crazy glue sniffer? “Building model airplanes” says the little fairy, but we’re not buying it. Next thing you know, there’s money missing off the dresser and your daughter’s knocked up, I seen it a hundred times.
Ted: But why do they put a guarantee on the box then?
Tommy: Because they know all they solda ya was a guaranteed piece of sh*t. That’s all it is. Hey, if you want me to take a dump in a box and mark it guaranteed, I will. I got spare time. But for right now, for your sake, for your daughter’s sake, ya might wanna think about buying a quality item from me.
Ted: Hmm. Okay, I’ll buy from you.
Tommy: Well I… What?

Young Richard: Late again, Tommy. You’re pathetic.
Young Tommy: Shut up, Richard!

Went a little heavy on the pine tree perfume there, kid?

Richard Hayden: You have de-railed…
Tommy: Shut up Richard!

Richard: Hey, I was just thinking. When we stopped for gas this morning I think it was you who put the oil in.
Tommy: Hey if you’re going to say I didn’t put the right kind in, you’re wrong. I used 10-W-30. And besides, motor oil would have nothing to do with this accident.
Richard: True. But you can’t latch the hood too well, if you don’t take the can out, you no-selling waste of space! I swear to God, you’re worthless!
Tommy: I’m sorry about your car, but don’t call me worthless. I’m trying my best. I’m not my dad.
Richard: That’s right, you’re not your dad! He can sell a ketchup popsicle to a woman in white gloves.
Tommy: Ketchup popsicle?
Richard: Yeah, I learned everything I know from him. I didn’t have a father, but he looked out for me. But you, he was your father and you just took it for granted. “Hey, look, I’m Big Tom’s son. He can fix anything, so I’m allowed to be a moron!”
Tommy: THAT’S IT!! Come on! Get out of the car! It’s go time, you and me!
Richard: [imitating a little kid] Look, mommy, the rhino’s getting too close to the car.
Tommy: [imitating a mother] Him too afraid to get out, he just a little guy.
Richard: That’s it. I’m gonna wail on you [gets out of the car] You’re going to regret volunteering for this job.
Tommy: Hey, boys and girls, It’s Papa Smurf!
Richard: You don’t want none of me, think it through.
Tommy: Come on, Gimme your best shot. I’ll give you a free one Let me have it. [Richard punches Tommy in the face] That’s it? Come on. you can do better than that, can’t ya, Captain Limp Wrist? Try again! [Richard punches him in the face again] Hey everybody, Is there a window open? I feel a draft! [Richard punches Tommy in the stomach, then punches him in the face again] If I wanted a kiss, I would’ve called your mother! [Richard then strikes Tommy in the face with a 2×4 piece of wood, which breaks in half] That was a good one. [is knocked out as he drops to the ground]
Richard: [drops the broken 2×4 and looks up at the abandoned Prehistoric Forest] Hey, Prehistoric Forest.

Tommy: I left a message.
Richard Hayden: Really, what number did you call?
Tommy: Two, four, niner, five, six, seven…
Richard Hayden: I can’t hear you, you’re trailing off and did I catch a niner in there? Were you calling from a walkie-talkie?
Tommy: It was a cordless.
Richard Hayden: You know what? Don’t. Not here, not now.

Tommy Callahan III

Richard, who’s your favorite little rascal? Alfalfa or is it Spanky.

Fat man in a little suit
Tommy Callahan III

Tommy: Huh, huh, it’
s a clip-onRichard Hayden: Are you sure?

Brothers gotta hug.
Tommy Callahan III

Tommy: Look at ’em there, pretty maids all in a row. I want the one on the left; she’s perfect. Which one d’you want? Huh, huh, huh?… Alright.
Paul: Does it make a difference?
Tommy: Oh yeah. Wait a second. Is this your first time?
Paul: Yeah Tommy, it is.
Tommy: God, you’re gonna remember this the rest of your life. Can’t believe you’ve never been cow tipping before. Get ready to live. Huh, huh, huh, ssshhhh. She’s sleepin’. What you do is, you put your shoulder into her and you push.
Paul: And?
Tommy: They fall over, hee, hee, hee.
Paul: And this doesn’t strike you as kinda’ dumb?
Tommy: We’re family, we’re gonna be doing lots of dumb stuff together. Wait ’til Christmas.

It’s called reading-top to bottom-left to right-group words together into sentences-take tylenol for any headaches-midol for any cramps.
Richard Hayden

[when the ran over deer comes to] IT’S ALIVE!
Tommy Callahan III

Tommy: Does this suit make me look fat?
Richard Hayden: No, your face does.

You spray that thing for bugs?

hey, does this suit make me look fat?
Tommy Callahan III

If I wanted a kiss I’d call your mother.

Richard: Mr. Callahan, I’m going to need your John Hancock on these papers.
Tommy: John Hancock, haha. It’s Herbie Hancock.

Richard Hayden: Scram Tommy. Don’t give her the weight room thing.
Tommy: Do you know where the weight room is? I’ll check it out.

Tommy: Richard, I’m gonna need your watch. I’ve got… a… plan.
Richard Hayden: Yikes.

Tell you what, I can get a good look at a T-bone by sticking my head up a bull’s *ss but I’d rather take the butcher’s word for it.
Big Tom

Ray Zalinsky: Goin’ a little heavy on the pine tree perfume there kid?
Tommy: No, it’s an auto air freshener.
Ray Zalinsky: Good, you’ve pinpointed it, now the next step is washin’ it out.

Tommy: [gets off the airplane] Richard Hayden!
Richard: Tommy.
Tommy: Where’s my Dad? I thought he was supposed to pick me up at the airport?
Richard: He was at the airport this morning, but you weren’t on the plane.
Tommy: He said he had a surprise for me.
Richard: Maybe. I guess that’s why you should’ve called.
Tommy: I did call, earlier, when… using the phone.
Richard: Earlier? When was that?
Tommy: Er… later… When, when then I, I left a message.
Richard: A message? What number did you call?
Tommy: Two… four.. niner… five, six seven…
Richard: I can’t hear you, you’re trailing off. And did I hear a “niner” in there? Were you calling from a walkie-talkie?
Tommy: No, it was cordless.
Richard: You know what? Don’t. Not here, not now.
Tommy: Did you hear I finally graduated.
Richard: Yeah, and just a shade under a decade too. All right.
Tommy: Hey, you know a lot of people go to college for seven years.
Richard: I know. They’re called doctors. [looks behind Tommy as his luggage comes out] Oh, that has to be you.

Oh yeah, I buy break pads from him. I thought we were watching cartoons.

No! Please! Ah god…son of a…
Tommy Callahan III

You kids better pray to the god of skinny punks this wind doesn’t pick up, cuz if it does I’m gonna sail over there and shove an oar up your *ss.

Tommy: Hey, what’s your name?
Helen: Helen.
Tommy: That’s nice, you look like a Helen. Helen, we’re both in sales. Let me tell you why I suck as a sales man. Let’s say I go into a guy’s office, let’s say he’s even remotely interested in buying something. Well then I get all excited. I’m like Jojo the idiot circus boy with a pretty new pet. Now the pet is my possible sale. [holds a dinner roll] Oh, my pretty little pet, I love you. And then I stroke it, and I pet it, and I massage it. Hehe, I love it, I love my little naughty pet, you’re naughty! And then I take my naughty pet and I go [makes ripping noises as he tears apart the dinner roll] OOOOOOHHH! I killed it! I killed my sale! And that’s when I blow it. That’s when people like us have gotta forge ahead, Helen. Am I right?
Helen: God, you’re sick. Tell ya what, I’ll go turn the fryers back on and throw on some wings for you.
Tommy: Hey, thanks, Helen. [in a childish voice] Tommy likey. Tommy want wingy!
Richard: [to Tommy, regarding his street-wise scenario] Did that board to the head knock something loose?
Tommy: Why?
Richard: That 180 you just pulled with the waitress. Why can’t you sell like that?
Tommy: I was just havin’ fun.

Tommy: Hey, I’ll tell you what. You can get a good look at a butcher’s *ss by sticking your head up there. But, wouldn’t you rather to take his word for it?Mr.
Brady: [confused] What? I’m failing to make the connection here.
Tommy: No, what I mean is, you can get a good look at a T-bone by sticking your head up a butcher’s *ss… No, wait. It’s gotta be your bull.
Richard: Wow…Mr.
Brady: Boy, I’m at a loss for words here –
Tommy: Forget it, I quit, I can’t do this any more, man. My head’s about to explode. My whole life sucks. I don’t know what I’m doing, I don’t know where I’m going. My dad just died, we just killed Bambi, I’m out here getting my *ss kicked and every time I drive down the road I wanna jerk the wheel into a goddamned bridge abutment!
Richard: [to Mr. Brady; pulls out a business card] We’ll keep in touch.

Tommy: Did you hear I graduated?
Richard Hayden: Yeah and just a shade under a decade too, all right.
Tommy: You know a lot of people go to college for seven years.
Richard Hayden: I know, they’re called doctors.

[after Paul gets his nuts squashed] That will ruin his weekend.

Richard Hayden: Okay, it’s sale time, so remember, we don’t take no…?
Tommy: No sh*t from anyone.
Richard Hayden: No.
Tommy: Um, we don’t take no prisoners.
Richard Hayden: We don’t take no for answer.
Tommy: Oh yeah… We don’t take no for answer! We don’t we don’t take no for an answer
Tommy: no line
Tommy: no line

Awww, I’ve interrupted ‘happy time’.
Richard Hayden

Tommy Likey! Tommy want wing-ey!
Thomas ‘Tommy’ Callahan III

Reservationist: Oh,
I can reserve you a flight coming back from Chicago at 5:55. Does that help?
Richard: Hi, I’m Earth. Have we met?
Reservationist: I don’t think so.

[Richard tries to fix Tommy’s tie, but it falls off]
Tommy: [laughs] It’s a clip.
Richard: Ha ha, you sure? All right, now it’s sale time, so remember, we don’t take no–
Tommy: No sh*t from anyone!
Richard: No.
Tommy: Um, we don’t take no prisoners!
Richard: We don’t take no for answer.
Tommy: Oh yeah.

You can take a good look at a T-bone by sticking your head up a bull’s *ss, but wouldn’t you rather take the butcher’s word for it?

Richard Hayden: Mommy, mommy, the Rhino’s getting to close to the car.
Tommy: Him too afraid to get out, him’s just a little guy.
Richard Hayden: All right, that’s it, fat boy, I’m gonna wail on you.
Tommy: Hey, boys and girls, it’s Papa Smurf!

Richard Hayden:
Oh that sounds good: melted chocolate inside the dash, that really ups the resale value.
Tommy: I think you’ll be okay here, they have a thin candy shell. ‘Surprised you didn’t know that.
Richard Hayden: I think your brain has a thick candy shell.
Tommy: Your… Your brain has the shell on it.
Richard Hayden: Are you talking?
Tommy: Shut up, Richard.

Your dad could sell a ketchup Popsicle to a woman in white gloves.
Richard Hayden

Paul: You eat a lot of paint chips when you were a kid?
Tommy: Ha ha ha, why?

Oh, that has to be you. Spray that thing for bugs?
Richard Hayden

Luke, I am your fa-ther.

Late again Tommy?

Tommy: I passed. Oh man,
Tommy: I GOT A D+. I’m gonna graduate!
Tommy: I wish we’d known each other… this is a little awkward. I’M GONNA GRADUATE!

What the American public doesn’t know, is what makes it the American public.

Tommy: Man, did I get douched with mud!
Paul: Hey, chucko, that doesn’t smell like mud. [he begins to spray Tommy with a hose]
Tommy: Oh, man, that’s cold! [he dances and starts singing] I’m a maniac, maniac on the floor! And I’m dancin’ like I’ve never danced before! [Paul then sprays him in the face to clean the mud off]
Paul: Did you eat a lot of paint chips when you were a kid?
Tommy: [laughs] Why?

Richard Hayden: I need your John Hancock.
Tommy: It’s HERBIE Hancock.

If you want me to take a dump in a box, and mark it guaranteed I will… I’ve got spare time.
Tommy Callahan III

Richard Hayden: What did I say about eating in the car anyways?
Tommy: It’s not good cause it spoils your dinner?

These shoes are Italian. They’re worth more than your life.

Fat guy in a little coat. Fat guy in a little coat

Richard Hayden: What is the carrying charge for our warehouse?
Tommy: Geez, I knew this one. Uhhhhhhh.
Richard Hayden: One and a…
Tommy: …half percent. I knew that. Why can’t I remember it?
Richard Hayden: Try an association such as; Let’s say the average person uses ten percent of his brain. How much do you use? One and a half percent. The rest is filled with malted hops and bong resin.

Tommy: Where are we gonna take the deer?
Richard Hayden: I dunno, the vet?
Tommy: You take dead animals to the vet?
Richard Hayden: Why not? I’d take you to the vet.
Tommy: Yeah I’ll take you to the… Um…
Richard Hayden: Got that?
Tommy: Shut up.

Gas Station Employee: I’m picking up your sarcasm.
Richard Hayden: Well, I should hope so, because I’m laying it on pretty thick.

Brothers don’t shake hands. Brothers gotta hug.
Tommy Callahan III

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