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70+ Bitchy, Funny Quotes About People And Friends

Life is short, and a snarky attitude can often make daily hardships easier to bear: while some people are bitchy professionally, there are others who find the funny moments naturally in their everyday lives. Laughter makes us better people who are more connected to each other, and our appetite for more comedies shows no signs of slowing: humanity needs laughter as much as it needs air. If you don't have time to watch a whole comedy, take a moment to look at the following brief quotes that will make you laugh at someone else's expense: the mischevious grin these quotes give you will last all day.
Whatever you do, don’t give up. Because all you can do once you’ve given up is b*tch. I’ve known some great bitchers in my time. With some it’s a passion, with others an art.
Molly Ivins

He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.
Oscar Wilde

I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.
Irvin S. Cobb

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.
Ashleigh Brilliant

Ugliness is superior to beauty because it lasts.
Serge Gainsbourg

Im having one of those days where my middle finger is answering all my questions.
Emalie Newhall

Ugliness is in a way superior to beauty because it lasts.
Serge Gainsbourg

The idea that one person could be all things to another person, satisfy every need or even more than one, is sentimental and mawkish.
Zack (from the TV show “Bones”)

There’s actually a girl in this movie who’s smaller. So everyone’s excited for me, that I’m not the smallest one.
Anna Kendrick

I no longer wish to belong to the kind of club that accepts people like me as members.
Groucho Marx

When a man gives his opinion, he’s a man. When a woman gives her opinion, she’s a b*tch.
Bette Davis

People think at the end of the day that a man is the only answer [to fulfillment]. Actually a job is better for me.
Princess Diana

I couldn’t give a rat’s tutu about your emotional distress.
Judge Judy

Treating the whole world as if it works for you doesn’t suggest you’re special, it means you’re an *ss.
Raina Kelley

The trick is not how much pain you feel -but how much joy you feel. Any idiot can feel pain. Life is full of excuses to feel pain, excuses not to live, excuses, excuses, excuses.
Erica Jong

Be careful whose toes you step on today because they might be connected to the foot that kicks your *ss tomorrow!
Author Unknown

Never fight with an ugly person – they have nothing to lose!
Author Unknown

I like to tell people I have the heart of a small boy. Then I say it’s in a jar on my desk.
Stephen King

If you think you are too small to have an impact, try going to bed with a mosquito.
Anita Roddick

A person who’s a b*tch would seem to be mean for no reason. I’m not a mean person. Maybe I’m rude without being aware of it — that’s possible.
Barbara Streisand

I’ve been pissed off by one too many immature, disorganized and emotionally spastic publicists to take any sh*t from an f’ing sweetdick BMW-owning engineer. The principle is: Put your balls in your pants and USE THEM.

Yes my dear, but you are ugly, and in the morning I shall be sober.
Winston Churchill

I know I’m not perfect, but I’m so close it scares me.
Author Unknown

There’s a reason it’s called ‘girls gone wild’ and not ‘women gone wild’. When girls go wild, they show their t*ts. When women go wild, they kill men and drown their kids in a tub.
Louis C.K.

I shouldn’t say this, but physically he was quite repulsive.
Karl Lagerfeld

I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada.
Britney Spears

Another trip to Home Depot and Canadian Tire. I always get such a kick from the look on guys faces when you are in the tool section or near the fishing supplies. Well nothing beats the automotive section – they look at you like, “what are you doing here?” like you have invaded the tree fort.

I have too many fantasies to be a housewife. I guess I am a fantasy.
Marilyn Monroe

What worries me the most is that most men are so weak. Because of that they act like they don’t care and like machos – because they are too fragile inside. They’re scared of confrontation and afraid of so many things.
Salma Hayek

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Arthur McAuliff

She appears to have a face that would stop a clock and raise hell with small watches, bless her heart.
Celia Rivenbark

He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.
Samuel Johnson

What a shame…looks like the ugly fairy kissed you on both cheeks!
Author Unknown

Do you hate having free time, sleeping in, and being caught up on your laundry? Then having kids might be just what you’re looking for.
Mike Vanatta

Forget the Bible, the greatest argument against human evolution is a YouTube comment thread.
Damien Fahey

I have tried lately to read Shakespeare and found it so intolerably dull that it nauseated me.
Charles Darwin, on Shakespeare

It is better to remain silent and be thought of as a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.
Abraham Lincoln

She doesn’t understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
Joan Rivers

Donald Trump’s hair is to coiffure what Ashton Kutcher is to dramatic acting.
Tony Vitale

Every successful enterprise requires three men: a dreamer, a business-man, and a son-of-a-b*tch.
Peter McArthur

You do learn restraint, though. You can’t give in to that motherly urge to smother ’em all in their sleep. In this business it would just mean more work for you the next day.
Mamesanne Furey

Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have the obligation to be one. You cannot make any useful contributions in life unless you do that.
Eleanor Roosevelt

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life’s a b*tch. You’ve got to go out and kick *ss.
Maya Angelou

I wish her all the luck in the world, just so long as I don’t have to see her anymore or hear her spoken about.
Karl Lagerfeld

He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.
Paul Keating

I dream to live in a world where I can politely get out of plans by saying, “I’m so sorry, but I just remembered I don’t want to”.
Bridger Winegar

I’m an Air Force officer just like you are, Colonel. And just because my reproductive organs are on the inside instead of the outside doesn’t mean I can’t handle whatever you can handle.
Colonel Samantha Carter, Stargate SG-1

If you ever need an outfit to match that stick up your *ss, give me a call.
Lenore Bernard

The work of a queasy undergraduate scratching his pimples.
Virginia Woolfe, on James Joyce’s Ulysses

It’s cute how I used to think this ‘barely holding it together’ feeling was temporary.
Anna Kendrick

Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde

She’s the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success, wrong by wrong.
Mae West

You’re so fake that you should have two facebook accounts; one for each face!
Harriet Morgan

I’m not anti-social, I just don’t like you.
Author Unknown

I wish my boyfriend loved me as much as he loves being wrong.
Jessica Fancy

Make sure you catch me from my good side (Pick one!)
Britney Spears

Take your life in your own hands and what happens? A terrible thing: no one to blame.
Erica Jong

How many frickin’ times do I have to say, ‘In the form of a question’, people?!
Alex Trebek

I see her as one great stampede of lips directed at the nearest derriere.
Noel Coward

I don’t think the son of a b*tch [Richard Nixon] knows the difference between telling the truth and lying.
Harry S. Truman

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
Robert De Niro

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there’s a wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick.
Erma Bombeck

At this point, I don’t think she’s a heartless b*tch; she’s a bitter, angry b*tch, and that’s an energy-burner and, eventually, a soul-destroyer.

Men are like paving slabs, lay them right first time and you get to safely walk over them forever.
Cristine Shye

I cannot take any more; I’m so glad that I’ll never fit in; That will never be me; Outcasts and girls with ambition; That’s what I wanna see.

In conclusion, I invite the media to all grow a pair. And if you can’t, I will lend you mine.
Amy Poehler

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
W.C. Fields

Those are my principles. If you don’t like them I have others.
Groucho Marx

He is a writer for the ages, the ages of four to eight.
Dorothy Parker

Her virtue was that she said what she thought, her vice that what she thought didn’t amount to much.
Peter Ustinov

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