Over 150 Of The Funniest Quotes In The Universe

Life always offers you a second chance. It’s called tomorrow.

Life is not about how you survive the storm, it’s about how you dance in the rain.

All my life I thought air was free, until I bought a bag of chips.

Don’t give up on your dreams so soon, sleep longer.

I consider myself a crayon, I might not be your favorite color but one day you’ll need me to complete your picture.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.

To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

A best friend is like a four leaf clover, hard to find, lucky to have.

As your best friend I’ll always pick you up when you fall, after I finish laughing.

Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.

Studying means 10% reading and 90% complaining to your friends that you have to study.

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

The antidote of fifty enemies is one friend.

The language of friendship is not words, but meanings.

A true friend never gets in your way, unless you happen to be going down.

It is the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and have her nonsense respected.

It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.

A good friend will help you move. But best friend will help you move a dead body.

A true friend stabs you in the front.

A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.

We are keenly aware of the faults of our friends, but if they like us enough it doesn’t matter.

I don’t want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

Shared joys make a friend, not shared sufferings.

A friend doesn’t go on a diet because you are fat.

Sometimes me think, ‘What is friend?’ Then me say, ‘Friend is someone to share the last cookie with.

Never make excuses. Your friends don’t need them and your foes won’t believe them.

Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.

Education can get you the only thing that really matters in today’s world — an assigned parking space.

In school, you’re taught a lesson and then given a test. In life, you’re given a test that teaches you a lesson.

It is impossible for a man to learn what he thinks he already knows.

No wonder the teacher knows so much; she has the book.

Some students drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

People learn something every day, and a lot of times it’s that what they learned the day before was wrong.

Education helps you earn more. But not many schoolteachers can prove it.

Work hard, nap hard.

The human brain is special. It starts working as soon as you get up and it doesn’t stop until you get to school.

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.

When I was a kid I would write songs, little plays, and poetry in school. If you’re an adult and you’re a poet, it’s all about love and pain, but if you’re a kid it’s, “Does anyone know a word that rhymes with shark?”

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don’t know I’m only using blanks.

If you’re studying Geology, which is all facts, as soon as you get out of school you forget it all, but Philosophy you remember just enough to screw you up for the rest of your life.

I asked my father for a dollar for the school picnic, he told me how he killed a grizzly bear with his loose-leaf notebook.

Of course, I couldn’t tell the kids at school I was a transvestite. They’s kill me with sticks. “Why are we killing him with sticks?” “I don’t know… he said a word we didn’t understand… and he won at Scrabble with it…”

He could dismiss several schools of philosophy by shifting slightly in his chair or toting his whisky glass.

I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow… children. That can’t be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the positive side, they can’t read it.

In school they told me “Practice makes perfect.” And then they told me “Nobody’s perfect,” so then I stopped practicing.

My father walked to school 4 o’clock every morning with no shoes on, uphill, both ways, in 5 feet of snow and he was thankful.

Got to work this morning and my boss told me ‘have a good day’, so I went home and had a great day!

When you wake up at 6 in the morning, you close your eyes for 5 minutes and it’s already 6:45. When you’re at work and it’s 2:30, you close your eyes for 5 minutes and it’s 2:31.

As I have gotten older and wiser I discovered that there are six things that I really loved about my job. Pay day, lunch time, quitting time, vacation time, holidays, and of course retirement.

If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.

A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

I don’t work on weekends, or any other day that ends with “Y”.

Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

If A is success in life, then A is equal to X plus Y plus Z. Work is X; Y is play; and Z – keeping your mouth shut.

If what you’ve done is stupid but it works, then it really isn’t that stupid at all.

If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves.

No man goes before his time – unless the boss leaves early.

Hard work is damn near as overrated as monogamy.

Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn’t the work he’s supposed to be doing at that moment.

I do my job in a very professional manner. I take money for it every chance I get.

It is better to have loafed and lost than never to have loafed at all.

I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.

Personally, I have nothing against work, particularly when performed, quietly and unobtrusively, by someone else.

I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.

No one’s dream job involves a kiosk.

Champagne. In defeat you need it.

Beer is made by men, wine by God.

Wine improves with age. The older I get, the better I like it.

It takes a lot of good beer to make great wine.

Champagne is appropriate for breakfast, lunch or dinner.

Either give me more wine or leave me alone.

The discovery of a wine is of greater moment than the discovery of a constellation. The universe is too full of stars.

Life is too short to drink bad wine.

My only regret in life is that I didn’t drink enough Champagne.

Give me wine to wash me clean of the weather-stains of cares.

God made only water, but man made wine.

Nothing more excellent or valuable than wine was every granted by the gods to man.

Wine – it should be enjoyed for the benefits of the soul – and nothing more.

Wine can be considered with good reason as the most healthful and hygenic of all beverages.

A person with increasing knowledge and sensory education may derive infinite enjoyment from wine.

Wine, it’s in my veins and I can’t get it out.

Wine has been a part of civilized life for some seven thousand years. It is the only beverage that feeds the body, soul and spirit of man and at the same time stimulates the mind…

Wine is the sort of alcoholic beverage that does not destroy but enriches life; does not distort but clairfies perspective; does not seduce except in a way worth humanly being seduced.

A bottle of wine begs to be shared; I have never met a miserly wine lover.

Let us have wine and women, mirth and laughter,
Sermons and soda-water the day after.

Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here! This is the War Room.

I remember when I was a little boy, I-I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in Braille, and I used to rub the dirty parts.

– “Hey Ralph! How much is a copy of Orgasm?”
– “Uh, just put ’em in a bag, will ya?”
– “What?”
– “Orgasm. This man wants to buy a copy. How much is it?”
– “I’m doing a sociological study on perversion – up to advanced child molesting.”

– “Taggart.”
– “Yes, sir.”
– “I’ve decided to launch an attack that will reduce Rock Ridge to ashes.”
– “What do you want me to do, sir?”
– “I want you to round up every vicious criminal and gunslinger in the West. Take this down: ‘I want rustlers, cut-throats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperadoes, mugs, pugs, thugs, nit-wits, half-wits, dim-wits, vipers, snipers, con-men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bush-whackers, horn-swagglers, horse-thieves, bull-dykes, train-robbers, bank-robbers, *ss-kickers, sh*t-kickers, and Methodists! Ha, ha, ha, ha!”
– “Could you repeat that, sir?”

“Just when I think you couldn’t possibly be any dumber, you go and do somethin’ like this — and totally redeem yourself! Ha Ha!”

“Hey look everybody! Billy peed his pants.”
– “Of course I peed my pants, everybody my age pees their pants. It’s the coolest.”
– “Really?”
– “YES! You ain’t cool, unless you pee your pants.”
– “Wow! Hey, man. Ernie peed his pants too. Alright!”
– “If peeing in your pants is cool, consider me Miles Davis.”

“God gave men brains larger than dogs’ so they wouldn’t hump women’s legs at cocktail parties.”

“Fat guy in a little coat. Fat guy in a little coat…”

“I think everything must go back to the fact that I had a very anxious childhood. You know, my mother never had time for me. You know, when you’re the middle child in a family of five million, you don’t get any attention. I mean, how is it possible?”

“I was married. My husband cheated on me left and right. He made me feel like I was crazy all the time. One day he tells me it’s my fault he saw other women. So I picked up a knife, and told him it was his fault I was stabbing him. Yeah, I did a little jail time, but it was worth it.”

“If there is anything that this horrible tragedy can teach us, it’s that a male model’s life is a precious, precious commodity. Just because we have chiseled abs and stunning features, it doesn’t mean that we too can’t not die in a freak gasoline fight accident.”

“Glenn Coco? FOUR for you, Glenn Coco! You go, Glenn Coco.”

“This is your doctor. I have your pregnancy report here, and guess what? You got knocked up.”

“I’m over here in my unit, isolated and alone, eating my terrible tasting food, and I have to look over at that. That looks like the most fun I’ve ever seen in my entire life, and it’s B.S. — excuse my language. I’m just saying that I wash and dry; I’m like a single mother. Look, we all know home-ec is a joke — no offense — it’s just that everyone takes this class to get an A, and it’s bulls**t — and I’m sorry. I’m not putting down your profession, but it’s just the way I feel. I don’t want to sit here, all by myself, cooking this s**tty food — no offense — and I just think that I don’t need to cook tiramisu. Am I going to be a chef? No. There’s three weeks left of school, give me a f**king break! I’m sorry for cursing.”

Edith: “What about my dreams?”
Dewey Cox: “Edith I told you I can’t build your candy house! It will fall apart, the sun will melt the candy, it won’t work!”

Hal: “Does she take the cake, or what?”
Mauricio: “She takes the whole bakery, Hal.”

Jerry: “Don’t analyze me, Phyllis, okay? You know, many have tried and all have failed. My brain doesn’t fit the usual id-ego-superego model!”
Phyllis: “No, you have the only brain with three ids.”

“I shall call him Squishy and he shall be mine and he shall be my Squishy. Come on, Squishy Come on, little Squishy.”

“Is that everything? It seemed like he said quite a bit more than that.”

Doorman: “You old, she pregnant. Can’t have a bunch of old pregnant b**ches running around. That’s crazy, I’m only allowed to let in five percent black people. He said that, that means if there’s 25 people here I get to let in one and a quarter black people. So I gotta hope there’s a black midget in the crowd.”

The awkward moment when you’re that one friend who always gives relationship advice but is still single.

I’m dating a woman now who, evidently, is unaware of it.

I don’t need a man to rectify my existence. The most profound relationship we’ll ever have is the one with ourselves.

Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.

Stop complaining about being single. We have bigger problems here. Like why McDonalds doesn’t serve breakfast after 10:30.

Sometimes you have to stand alone to prove that you can still stand.

You could be married and bored or single and lonely. Ain’t no happiness nowhere.

I’m great at giving advice to singles; I’ve been coping with loneliness for a long time, and I have a lot of experiences to share for 3.99 a minute.

I’m not sure if it’s better to be alone but it’s probably safer.

I’m not single, I’m just wait for my girlfriend to quit playing hide and seek.

I’ve been single for awhile and I have to say, it’s going very well. Like…it’s working out. I think I’m the one.

Why is it that people think staying in a bad relationship is better than being single? Don’t they know that being single is the first step to finding a great relationship?

Next time you hit a speed bump otherwise known as the age old question, “Why are you still single?” look ‘em in the eye and say: ‘Because I’m too fabulous to settle.

I love being single. It’s almost like being rich.

I like being single, I’m always there when I need me.

Ever since college, I make friends. They get married. I lose friends.

As a self described idealistic I never consider myself as single. I like to say that I’m in between romances at the moment.

Romance is dead. It was acquired in a hostile takeover by Hallmark and Disney, homogenized, and sold off piece by piece.

For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have.

Rich bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others.

This is a note to say “sorry” to you.
I should not have swapped your zit cream with glue.
I never imagined you’d actually use it.
Now wasting away in the emergency room I sit.

The mildest, drowsiest sister has been known to turn tiger if her sibling is in trouble.

The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation.

Never let an angry sister comb your hair.

Having a sister is like having a best friend you can’t get rid of. You know whatever you do, they’ll still be there.

If sisters were free to express how they really feel, parents would hear this: “Give me all the attention and all the toys and send Rebecca to live with Grandma.

You can kid the world, but not your sister..

Of two sisters one is always the watcher, one the dancer.

A sister is both your mirror – and your opposite.

Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.

I don’t believe an accident of birth makes people sisters or brothers. It makes them siblings, gives them mutuality of parentage. Sisterhood and brotherhood is a condition people have to work at.

Siblings are the people we practice on, the people who teach us about fairness and cooperation and kindness and caringquite often the hard way.

How do people make it through life without a sister?

If your sister is in a tearing hurry to go out and cannot catch your eye, she’s wearing your best sweater.

Yes, I do have the best sister in the world. It’s just that she’s crazy and she scares me a little bit.

Sisters take care of each other, watch out for each other, comfort for each other and are there for each other through thick and thin.

A perfect sister I am not. But thankful for the one I’ve got.

Middle sister. Victim of our older sibling. Tormentor of our younger sibling and somehow, peace keeper between the both of them.

I’m not just a sister. I’m a big cup of wonderful covered in awesome sauce with a splash of sassy and a dash of crazy.

A sister can be seen as someone who is both ourselves and very much not ourselves – a special kind of double.

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.

Marriage is a great institution, but I’m not ready for an institution yet.

Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.

There’s only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I’ll get married again.”

My prince is not coming on a white horse… He’s obviously riding a turtle, and definitely lost.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.

If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman; she will be all ears.

Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.

Marriage is like a walk in the park… Jurrasic Park.

Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway.

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

Marriage is a wonderful institution… but who wants to live in an institution?

You know… There is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time… Husband!!!

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!

It’s a funny thing that when a man hasn’t anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.

Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.

When I look at each of my brothers, I see two things. First, I see the next place I want to leave a rosy welt. Second, I see a good man who will always be there, no matter how hard life gets for me or him. Then, I get out of the way because I realize he’s coming at me with a wet dish towel.

The highlight of my childhood was making my brother laugh so hard that food came out his nose.

It snowed last year too: I made a snowman and my brother knocked it down and I knocked my brother down and then we had tea.

You’re a great brother. You give us a heart attack worrying about your heart attack, which you didn’t even have the decency to have!

There is a little boy inside the man who is my brother… Oh, how I hated that little boy. And how I love him too.

I think I’m funny because my family, my siblings were funny.

What strange creatures brothers are!

I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance – waiting for the bathroom.

Siblings: children of the same parents, each of whom is perfectly normal until they get together.

Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something.

Your siblings are the only people in the world who know what it’s like to have been brought up the way you were.

What brothers say to tease their sisters has nothing to do with what they really think of them.

The best thing about having four big brothers is you always have someone to do something for you.

Half the time when brothers wrestle, it’s just an excuse to hug each other.

I can’t work with my brother without laughing.

I hated Chris, my brother. I would pull his hair and kick him, until one day my father gave him permission to fight back. I’ll be apologizing to him for the rest of my life.

My father used to play with my brother and me in the yard. Mother would come out and say, “You’re tearing up the grass.” “We’re not raising grass,” Dad would reply. “We’re raising boys.”

The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother – and they’ll settle for a puppy every time.

I smile because you’re my brother.
I laugh because there’s nothing you can do about it.

Sometimes being a brother is even better than being a superhero.