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Over 150 Of The Funniest Quotes In The Universe

No one has ever complained about laughing too much, so go on and take a look at these funny quotes. Whether amusing, witty or silly, they are sure to lift your mood, and if you have been down in the dumps lately, consider yourself cured. We have your day’s dose of laughter medicine.

Funny Quotes About Life

These witty quotes will help you put aside the seriousness of life for a few moments and help you see its brighter side. Careful, you might catch a case of the chuckles.
Life always offers you a second chance. It’s called tomorrow.

Life is not about how you survive the storm, it’s about how you dance in the rain.

All my life I thought air was free, until I bought a bag of chips.

Don’t give up on your dreams so soon, sleep longer.

I consider myself a crayon, I might not be your favorite color but one day you’ll need me to complete your picture.
Savannah Highnote

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
Elayne Boosler

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
Oscar Wilde

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
Mark Russell

First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
Steve Martin

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Lana Turner


My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.
Dave Barry

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Miles Kington

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
Douglas Adams

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Emo Philips

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
Greg King

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.
Elbert Hubbard

To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.
Reba McEntire

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
Chris Rock

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Jules Renard

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Mitch Hedberg

Funny Quotes About Friends

Get your best friend, pick up a snack and scroll through the following quotes. Prepare to revel in the delicious feeling that comes with sharing a laugh with your favourite person.
A best friend is like a four leaf clover, hard to find, lucky to have.

As your best friend I’ll always pick you up when you fall, after I finish laughing.

Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.

Studying means 10% reading and 90% complaining to your friends that you have to study.

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
Robert Bloch

The antidote of fifty enemies is one friend.

The language of friendship is not words, but meanings.
David Henry Thoreau

A true friend never gets in your way, unless you happen to be going down.
Arnold H. Glasow

It is the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and have her nonsense respected.
Charles Lamb

It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

A good friend will help you move. But best friend will help you move a dead body.
Jim Hayes

A true friend stabs you in the front.
Oscar Wilde

A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.
Bernard Meltzer

We are keenly aware of the faults of our friends, but if they like us enough it doesn’t matter.
Mignon McLaughlin

I don’t want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
Oscar Wilde

Shared joys make a friend, not shared sufferings.
Friedrich Nietzsche

A friend doesn’t go on a diet because you are fat.
Erma Bombeck

Sometimes me think, ‘What is friend?’ Then me say, ‘Friend is someone to share the last cookie with.
Cookie Monster

Never make excuses. Your friends don’t need them and your foes won’t believe them.
John Wooden

Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.
Greg Tamblyn

Funny Quotes About School

School is no laughing matter, or so you thought. These quotes will have you saying otherwise. Just make sure not to read them in class, unless you want to get into trouble for laughing uncontrollably.
Education can get you the only thing that really matters in today’s world — an assigned parking space.
Gene Perret

In school, you’re taught a lesson and then given a test. In life, you’re given a test that teaches you a lesson.
Tom Bodett

It is impossible for a man to learn what he thinks he already knows.

No wonder the teacher knows so much; she has the book.
Edgar Watson Howe

Some students drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.
E.C. McKenzie

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.
Will Durant


People learn something every day, and a lot of times it’s that what they learned the day before was wrong.
Bill Vaughan

Education helps you earn more. But not many schoolteachers can prove it.
E.C. McKenzie

Work hard, nap hard.
Demi Lovato

The human brain is special. It starts working as soon as you get up and it doesn’t stop until you get to school.
Milton Berle

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.
Woody Allen

When I was a kid I would write songs, little plays, and poetry in school. If you’re an adult and you’re a poet, it’s all about love and pain, but if you’re a kid it’s, “Does anyone know a word that rhymes with shark?”
Mike Birbiglia

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don’t know I’m only using blanks.
Emo Phillips

If you’re studying Geology, which is all facts, as soon as you get out of school you forget it all, but Philosophy you remember just enough to screw you up for the rest of your life.
Steve Martin

I asked my father for a dollar for the school picnic, he told me how he killed a grizzly bear with his loose-leaf notebook.
Bill Cosby

Of course, I couldn’t tell the kids at school I was a transvestite. They’s kill me with sticks. “Why are we killing him with sticks?” “I don’t know… he said a word we didn’t understand… and he won at Scrabble with it…”
Eddie Izzard

He could dismiss several schools of philosophy by shifting slightly in his chair or toting his whisky glass.
Dylan Moran

I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow… children. That can’t be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the positive side, they can’t read it.
Jimmy Carr

In school they told me “Practice makes perfect.” And then they told me “Nobody’s perfect,” so then I stopped practicing.
Steven Wright

My father walked to school 4 o’clock every morning with no shoes on, uphill, both ways, in 5 feet of snow and he was thankful.
Bill Cosby

Funny Quotes About Work

Your job got you down? Bored at work? Got a case of the Monday blues? Take a gander at these quotes and turn that frown right side up. Come five o’clock, you won’t want to leave.
Got to work this morning and my boss told me ‘have a good day’, so I went home and had a great day!

When you wake up at 6 in the morning, you close your eyes for 5 minutes and it’s already 6:45. When you’re at work and it’s 2:30, you close your eyes for 5 minutes and it’s 2:31.

As I have gotten older and wiser I discovered that there are six things that I really loved about my job. Pay day, lunch time, quitting time, vacation time, holidays, and of course retirement.
Tom Goins

If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.
John Gotti

A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
Fred Allen

I don’t work on weekends, or any other day that ends with “Y”.

Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
Edgar Bergen

If A is success in life, then A is equal to X plus Y plus Z. Work is X; Y is play; and Z – keeping your mouth shut.
Albert Einstein

If what you’ve done is stupid but it works, then it really isn’t that stupid at all.
David Letterman

If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves.
Lane Kirkland

No man goes before his time – unless the boss leaves early.
Groucho Marx

Hard work is damn near as overrated as monogamy.
Huey P. Long

Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn’t the work he’s supposed to be doing at that moment.
Robert Benchley

I do my job in a very professional manner. I take money for it every chance I get.
Melanie White

It is better to have loafed and lost than never to have loafed at all.
James Thurber

I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.
Charles Lamb

Personally, I have nothing against work, particularly when performed, quietly and unobtrusively, by someone else.
Barbara Ehrenreich

I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
Jerome K. Jerome

No one’s dream job involves a kiosk.
Damien Fahey

Funny Quotes About Wine

Are you a wine lover or connoisseur? Whether you answer in the affirmative or not, you will get drunk on laughter with these quotes about the fine beverage. Who knew grape juice could be such a source of entertainment?
Champagne. In defeat you need it.
Napoleon Bonaparte

Beer is made by men, wine by God.
Martin Luther

Wine improves with age. The older I get, the better I like it.

It takes a lot of good beer to make great wine.
Brian O’Donnell, Winemaker of Belle Pente

Champagne is appropriate for breakfast, lunch or dinner.
Madeline Puckette

Either give me more wine or leave me alone.

The discovery of a wine is of greater moment than the discovery of a constellation. The universe is too full of stars.
Benjamin Franklin

Life is too short to drink bad wine.

My only regret in life is that I didn’t drink enough Champagne.
Robert Noecker

Give me wine to wash me clean of the weather-stains of cares.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

God made only water, but man made wine.
Victor Hugo

Nothing more excellent or valuable than wine was every granted by the gods to man.

Wine – it should be enjoyed for the benefits of the soul – and nothing more.
Peter Fiduccia

Wine can be considered with good reason as the most healthful and hygenic of all beverages.
Louis Pasteur

A person with increasing knowledge and sensory education may derive infinite enjoyment from wine.
Ernest Hemingway

Wine, it’s in my veins and I can’t get it out.
Burgess Meredith

Wine has been a part of civilized life for some seven thousand years. It is the only beverage that feeds the body, soul and spirit of man and at the same time stimulates the mind…
Robert Mondavi

Wine is the sort of alcoholic beverage that does not destroy but enriches life; does not distort but clairfies perspective; does not seduce except in a way worth humanly being seduced.
Bill St. John

A bottle of wine begs to be shared; I have never met a miserly wine lover.
Clifton Fadiman

Let us have wine and women, mirth and laughter,
Sermons and soda-water the day after.
Lord Byron

Funny Quotes From Movies

Grab some popcorn, sit back, relax. If you like comedies, you are in for a treat. These movie quotes from such classics as Dumb and Dumber and Bananas will have you cracking up in no time.
Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here! This is the War Room.
Dr. Strangelove: Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (1964)

I remember when I was a little boy, I-I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in Braille, and I used to rub the dirty parts.
Bananas (1971)

– “Hey Ralph! How much is a copy of Orgasm?”
– “Uh, just put ’em in a bag, will ya?”
– “What?”
– “Orgasm. This man wants to buy a copy. How much is it?”
– “I’m doing a sociological study on perversion – up to advanced child molesting.”
Bananas (1971)

– “Taggart.”
– “Yes, sir.”
– “I’ve decided to launch an attack that will reduce Rock Ridge to ashes.”
– “What do you want me to do, sir?”
– “I want you to round up every vicious criminal and gunslinger in the West. Take this down: ‘I want rustlers, cut-throats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperadoes, mugs, pugs, thugs, nit-wits, half-wits, dim-wits, vipers, snipers, con-men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bush-whackers, horn-swagglers, horse-thieves, bull-dykes, train-robbers, bank-robbers, *ss-kickers, sh*t-kickers, and Methodists! Ha, ha, ha, ha!”
– “Could you repeat that, sir?”
Blazing Saddles (1974)

“Just when I think you couldn’t possibly be any dumber, you go and do somethin’ like this — and totally redeem yourself! Ha Ha!”
Dumb & Dumber (1994)

“Hey look everybody! Billy peed his pants.”
– “Of course I peed my pants, everybody my age pees their pants. It’s the coolest.”
– “Really?”
– “YES! You ain’t cool, unless you pee your pants.”
– “Wow! Hey, man. Ernie peed his pants too. Alright!”
– “If peeing in your pants is cool, consider me Miles Davis.”
Billy Madison (1995)

“God gave men brains larger than dogs’ so they wouldn’t hump women’s legs at cocktail parties.”
Hackers (1995)

“Fat guy in a little coat. Fat guy in a little coat…”
Tommy Boy (1995)

“I think everything must go back to the fact that I had a very anxious childhood. You know, my mother never had time for me. You know, when you’re the middle child in a family of five million, you don’t get any attention. I mean, how is it possible?”
Antz (1998)

“I was married. My husband cheated on me left and right. He made me feel like I was crazy all the time. One day he tells me it’s my fault he saw other women. So I picked up a knife, and told him it was his fault I was stabbing him. Yeah, I did a little jail time, but it was worth it.”
Living Out Loud (1998)

“If there is anything that this horrible tragedy can teach us, it’s that a male model’s life is a precious, precious commodity. Just because we have chiseled abs and stunning features, it doesn’t mean that we too can’t not die in a freak gasoline fight accident.”
Derek Zoolander, Zoolander

“Glenn Coco? FOUR for you, Glenn Coco! You go, Glenn Coco.”
Damian, Mean Girls

“This is your doctor. I have your pregnancy report here, and guess what? You got knocked up.”
Ron Burgundy, Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy

“I’m over here in my unit, isolated and alone, eating my terrible tasting food, and I have to look over at that. That looks like the most fun I’ve ever seen in my entire life, and it’s B.S. — excuse my language. I’m just saying that I wash and dry; I’m like a single mother. Look, we all know home-ec is a joke — no offense — it’s just that everyone takes this class to get an A, and it’s bulls**t — and I’m sorry. I’m not putting down your profession, but it’s just the way I feel. I don’t want to sit here, all by myself, cooking this s**tty food — no offense — and I just think that I don’t need to cook tiramisu. Am I going to be a chef? No. There’s three weeks left of school, give me a f**king break! I’m sorry for cursing.”
Seth, Superbad

Edith: “What about my dreams?”
Dewey Cox: “Edith I told you I can’t build your candy house! It will fall apart, the sun will melt the candy, it won’t work!”
Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story

Hal: “Does she take the cake, or what?”
Mauricio: “She takes the whole bakery, Hal.”
Shallow Hall

Jerry: “Don’t analyze me, Phyllis, okay? You know, many have tried and all have failed. My brain doesn’t fit the usual id-ego-superego model!”
Phyllis: “No, you have the only brain with three ids.”
To Rome with Love

“I shall call him Squishy and he shall be mine and he shall be my Squishy. Come on, Squishy Come on, little Squishy.”
Dory, Finding Nemo

“Is that everything? It seemed like he said quite a bit more than that.”
Bob, Lost in Translation

Doorman: “You old, she pregnant. Can’t have a bunch of old pregnant b**ches running around. That’s crazy, I’m only allowed to let in five percent black people. He said that, that means if there’s 25 people here I get to let in one and a quarter black people. So I gotta hope there’s a black midget in the crowd.”
Knocked Up

Funny Quotes About Being Single

Proceed with caution. These quotes might make you decide to never settle down. They will show you just how amusing it can be to be unattached. You have been warned.
The awkward moment when you’re that one friend who always gives relationship advice but is still single.


I’m dating a woman now who, evidently, is unaware of it.
Garry Shandling

I don’t need a man to rectify my existence. The most profound relationship we’ll ever have is the one with ourselves.
Shirley MacLaine

Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.
Carl Jung

Stop complaining about being single. We have bigger problems here. Like why McDonalds doesn’t serve breakfast after 10:30.

Sometimes you have to stand alone to prove that you can still stand.

You could be married and bored or single and lonely. Ain’t no happiness nowhere.
Chris Rock

I’m great at giving advice to singles; I’ve been coping with loneliness for a long time, and I have a lot of experiences to share for 3.99 a minute.

I’m not sure if it’s better to be alone but it’s probably safer.
Eleanor Prescott

I’m not single, I’m just wait for my girlfriend to quit playing hide and seek.
Tim Walters

I’ve been single for awhile and I have to say, it’s going very well. Like…it’s working out. I think I’m the one.
Emily Heller

Why is it that people think staying in a bad relationship is better than being single? Don’t they know that being single is the first step to finding a great relationship?
Jennifer O’Neill

Next time you hit a speed bump otherwise known as the age old question, “Why are you still single?” look ‘em in the eye and say: ‘Because I’m too fabulous to settle.
Mandy Hale

I love being single. It’s almost like being rich.
Sue Grafton

I like being single, I’m always there when I need me.
Art Leo

Ever since college, I make friends. They get married. I lose friends.
Chuck Palahniuk

As a self described idealistic I never consider myself as single. I like to say that I’m in between romances at the moment.
Carl Henegan

Romance is dead. It was acquired in a hostile takeover by Hallmark and Disney, homogenized, and sold off piece by piece.
Matt Groening, The Simpsons

For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have.
Woody Allen

Rich bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others.
Oscar Wilde

Funny Quotes About Sisters

Who said girls are not funny? Now take a pair of them, make sure they are related, and you have all kinds of mischief and pranks brewing up. But after they have made you laugh, these quotes about sisters will warm your heart.
This is a note to say “sorry” to you.
I should not have swapped your zit cream with glue.
I never imagined you’d actually use it.
Now wasting away in the emergency room I sit.
Angela Rose

The mildest, drowsiest sister has been known to turn tiger if her sibling is in trouble.
Clara Ortega

The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation.
Oscar Wilde

Never let an angry sister comb your hair.
Patricia McCann

Having a sister is like having a best friend you can’t get rid of. You know whatever you do, they’ll still be there.
Amy Li

If sisters were free to express how they really feel, parents would hear this: “Give me all the attention and all the toys and send Rebecca to live with Grandma.
Linda Sunshine

You can kid the world, but not your sister..
Charlotte Gray

Of two sisters one is always the watcher, one the dancer.
Louise Glück

A sister is both your mirror – and your opposite.
Elizabeth Fishel

Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.
Pam Brown

I don’t believe an accident of birth makes people sisters or brothers. It makes them siblings, gives them mutuality of parentage. Sisterhood and brotherhood is a condition people have to work at.
Maya Angelou

Siblings are the people we practice on, the people who teach us about fairness and cooperation and kindness and caringquite often the hard way.
Pamela Dugdale

How do people make it through life without a sister?
Sara Corpening

If your sister is in a tearing hurry to go out and cannot catch your eye, she’s wearing your best sweater.
Pam Brown

Yes, I do have the best sister in the world. It’s just that she’s crazy and she scares me a little bit.

Sisters take care of each other, watch out for each other, comfort for each other and are there for each other through thick and thin.
Bonnie L. Oscarson

A perfect sister I am not. But thankful for the one I’ve got.

Middle sister. Victim of our older sibling. Tormentor of our younger sibling and somehow, peace keeper between the both of them.

I’m not just a sister. I’m a big cup of wonderful covered in awesome sauce with a splash of sassy and a dash of crazy.

A sister can be seen as someone who is both ourselves and very much not ourselves – a special kind of double.
Toni Morrison

Funny Quotes On Marriage

Here we have for you the perfect source of inspiration for a wedding toast. Whether you decide to go for the biting quote or the light-hearted one, the choice is yours.
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.

Marriage is a great institution, but I’m not ready for an institution yet.
Mae West

Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.

There’s only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I’ll get married again.”
Clint Eastwood

My prince is not coming on a white horse… He’s obviously riding a turtle, and definitely lost.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Rita Rudner

When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.
Helen Rowland


If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman; she will be all ears.
Sigmund Freud

Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.
Ogden Nash

Marriage is like a walk in the park… Jurrasic Park.

Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway.
Joey Adams

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
Maryon Pearson

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
Henny Youngman

Marriage is a wonderful institution… but who wants to live in an institution?
Groucho Marx

You know… There is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time… Husband!!!
Bill Maher

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!

It’s a funny thing that when a man hasn’t anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.
Robert Frost

Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
Groucho Marx

There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.
James Holt McGavran

Funny Quotes About Brothers

Sisters have got nothing on them. Brothers might get rowdy and resolve their issues with a little fisticuffs, but when all is said and done, they also know how to have a good time as these quotes show us.
When I look at each of my brothers, I see two things. First, I see the next place I want to leave a rosy welt. Second, I see a good man who will always be there, no matter how hard life gets for me or him. Then, I get out of the way because I realize he’s coming at me with a wet dish towel.
Dan Pearce

The highlight of my childhood was making my brother laugh so hard that food came out his nose.
Garrison Keillor

It snowed last year too: I made a snowman and my brother knocked it down and I knocked my brother down and then we had tea.
Dylan Thomas

You’re a great brother. You give us a heart attack worrying about your heart attack, which you didn’t even have the decency to have!
Groucho Marx

There is a little boy inside the man who is my brother… Oh, how I hated that little boy. And how I love him too.
Anna Quindlen

I think I’m funny because my family, my siblings were funny.
Martin Short

What strange creatures brothers are!
Jane Austen

I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance – waiting for the bathroom.
Bob Hope

Siblings: children of the same parents, each of whom is perfectly normal until they get together.
Sam Levenson

Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something.
Lemony Snicket

Your siblings are the only people in the world who know what it’s like to have been brought up the way you were.
Betsy Cohen

What brothers say to tease their sisters has nothing to do with what they really think of them.
Esther M. Friesner

The best thing about having four big brothers is you always have someone to do something for you.
Chloe Moretz

Half the time when brothers wrestle, it’s just an excuse to hug each other.
James Patterson

I can’t work with my brother without laughing.
Dick van Dyke

I hated Chris, my brother. I would pull his hair and kick him, until one day my father gave him permission to fight back. I’ll be apologizing to him for the rest of my life.
Stevie Nicks

My father used to play with my brother and me in the yard. Mother would come out and say, “You’re tearing up the grass.” “We’re not raising grass,” Dad would reply. “We’re raising boys.”
Harmon Kellebrew

The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother – and they’ll settle for a puppy every time.
Winston Pendelton

I smile because you’re my brother.
I laugh because there’s nothing you can do about it.

Sometimes being a brother is even better than being a superhero.
Marc Brown

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