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From Derek To Hansel – 70+ Funny Zoolander Quotes

Derek Zoolander, the hapless male model played by Ben Stiller, is the star of Zoolander and its sequel, Zoolander 2. Derek is famous for his trademark facial expression, “Blue Steel.”

Derek used to be one of the best models in the world, but his star is falling thanks to his modeling rival, Hansel, who is played by Owen Wilson. Derek’s bumbling misadventures through the world of modeling eventually bring him face to face with international supervillain Mugatu, played by Will Ferrell.

At the end of the film, Derek creates a cooler facial expression, “Magnum.” The Zoolander movies are full of awesome quotes and sayings. Whenever you need a good laugh, turn to these quotes. (Image Credit)
Moisture is the essence of wetness, and wetness is the essence of beauty.
Derek Zoolander

zoolander-quotes-moisture-is-the-essence


So join now, ’cause at the Derek Zoolander Center For Kids Who Can’t Read Good And Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too, we teach you that there’s more to life than just being really, really, really good looking. Right kids?
Derek Zoolander


It’s that damn Hansel! He’s so hot right now!
Mugatu

What say we settle this on the runway… Han-Solo?
Derek Zoolander

I’m pretty sure there’s a lot more to life than being really, really, ridiculously good looking. And I plan on finding out what that is.
Derek Zoolander

zoolander-quotes-im-pretty-sure-theres


I’m going to retire, withdraw from public life, and become a hermit crab.
Derek Zoolander

Derek, that’s nothing to be ashamed of. I’m sure there are a lot of people out there who can’t turn…I mean, there have got to be some people out there just like you who can’t…turn…turn…left.
Matilda

One look?… ONE LOOK?! I don’t think so! (Derek reveals Magnum)
Derek Zoolander


I suggest you and your Kmart Jaclyn Smith Collection outfit… stay the hell away from Derek Zoolander!
Katinka

I’m sorry that good-looking people like us made you throw up and feel bad about yourself.
Hansel
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Who cares about Derek Zoolander anyway? The man has only one look, for Christ’s sake! Blue Steel? Ferrari? Le Tigra? They’re the same face! Doesn’t anybody notice this? I feel like I’m taking crazy pills! I invented the piano key necktie, I invented it! What have you done, Derek? NOTHING! YOU’VE DONE NOTHING! NOTHIIIING! And I will be a monkey’s uncle if I let you ruin this for me, because if you can’t get the job done, then I will!
Mugatu

Rufus, Brint, and Meekus were like brothers to me. And when I say brother, I don’t mean, like, an actual brother, but I mean it like the way black people use it. Which is more meaningful I think.
Derek Zoolander

Let’s get back to the reason that we’re really here. Without much further ado, I give you the Derek Zoolander Center For Kids Who Can’t Read Good.
Mugatu

Who are you tryin’ to get crazy with, ese? Don’t you know I’m loco?
Hansel

You know, I love modelling. I’d like to do this forever. When I’m 30, I hope I’m still modeling.
Derek Zoolander
zoolander-quotes-you-know-i-love
With what?!? Your male modeling?!? Prancing around in your underwear with your wiener hanging out for everyone to see?!? You’re dead to me boy. You’re more dead to me than your dead mother. I just thank the lord she didn’t live to see her son as a mermaid.
Larry Zoolander

Does being fat mean you’re a terrible person? I’m really asking you, Hansel.
Derek Zoolander

I guess I would have to answer your question with another question. How many abodiginals do you see modeling?
Derek Zoolander

I totally agree with you. But how do you feel about male models?
Hansel

Merman! MERMAN!
Derek Zoolander

Uhh Earth to Matilda, I was at a day spa. Day, D-A-I-Y-E. Okay?
Derek Zoolander

I’m a hand model, mama. A finger jockey. We think differently than the face and body boys… we’re a different breed.
J.P. Prewitt

Oh, I’m sorry, did my pin get in the way of your *ss? Do me a favor and lose five pounds immediately or get out of my building like now!
Mugatu

You can read minds?
Derek Zoolander

I wanted to create a new life for myself. I’m sorry I was born with this perfect bone structure, that my hair looks better done up with gel and mousse than hidden under a stupid hat with a light on it. All I ever wanted to do was make you proud of me, pop.
Derek Zoolander

Be professionally good looking.
Derek Zoolander

There was a moment last night, when she was sandwiched between the two Finnish dwarves and the Maori tribesmen, where I thought, “Wow, I could really spend the rest of my life with this woman”.
Derek Zoolander

Mugatu is so hot right now he could take a crap, wrap it in tinfoil, put a couple fish hooks on it and sell it to Queen Elizabeth as earrings.
Maury Ballstein

Don’t ask questions. Just give in to the power of the tea.
Hansel

I wasn’t like every other kid, you know, who dreams about being an astronaut, I was always more interested in what bark was made out of on a tree. Richard Gere’s a real hero of mine. Sting. Sting would be another person who’s a hero. The music he’s created over the years, I don’t really listen to it, but the fact that he’s making it, I respect that. I care desperately about what I do. Do I know what product I’m selling? No. Do I know what I’m doing today? No. But I’m here, and I’m gonna give it my best shot.
Hansel

What is this? A center for ants?!
Derek Zoolander

So I’m rappelling down Mount Vesuvius when suddenly I slip, and I start to fall. Just falling, ahhh ahhh, I’ll never forget the terror. When suddenly I realize “Holy sh*t, Hansel, haven’t you been smoking Peyote for six straight days, and couldn’t some of this maybe be in your head?”
Hansel

Hi Derek! My name’s Little Cletus and I’m here to tell you a few things about child labor laws, ok? They’re silly and outdated. Why back in the 30s, children as young as five could work as they pleased; from textile factories to iron smelts. Yippee! Hurray!
Mugatu

I think they’re vain, stupid, and incredibly self-centered.
Matilda

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have an after-funeral party to attend.
Derek Zoolander

People come up to me all the time and say ‘you should be a model,’ or ‘you look just like a model,’ or ‘maybe you should try to be a man who models.’ And I always have to laugh because I’m so good looking. Of course, I’m a model.
Derek Zoolander

Are you challenging me to a walk-off… Boo-Lander?
Hansel

I couldn’t understand why I didn’t look like them. I just didn’t get it so I became, so, um, I became…Bulimic.
Matilda

A eugoogoolizer…one who speaks at funerals…Or did you think I was too stupid to know what a eugoogooly was?
Derek Zoolander

I can Dere-lick my own balls, thank you very much.
Derek Zoolander

Do you understand that the world does not revolve around you and your ‘do whatever it takes, ruin as many people’s lives, so long as you can make a name for yourself as an investigatory journalist, no matter how many friends you lose or people you leave dead and bloodied along the way, just so long so you can make a name for yourself as an investigatory journalist, no matter how many friends you lose or people you leave dead and bloodied and dying along the way’?
Derek Zoolander

I do not like snoopy reporter with lack of fashion sense, not one little bit.
Katinka

I knew it was a joke Meekus, I just didn’t get it right away!
Brint

You think that you’re too cool for school, but I have a newsflash for you Walter Cronkite….you aren’t.
Derek Zoolander

I feel like I’m taking crazy pills! I invented the piano key necktie, I invented it!
Derek Zoolander

Dammit Derek, I’m a coal miner, not a professional film or television actor.
Larry Zoolander

I’m not an ambi-turner. It’s a problem I had since I was a baby. I can’t turn left.
Derek Zoolander


Just because we have chiseled abs and stunning features doesn’t mean that we still can’t not die in a freak gasolinefight accident.
Derek Zoolander

Well I guess it all started the first time I went through the second grade. I caught my reflection in a spoon while I was eating my cereal, and I remember thinking “wow, you’re ridiculously good looking, maybe you could do that for a career.
Derek Zoolander


By the way, you were wrong about my outfit. It’s the Cheryl Ladd collection and I got it at JC Penney’s. On sale!
Matilda

Derek, I don’t know if you’re familiar with the belief that some aboriginal tribes hold. It’s the concept that a photo might steal a part of your soul. I mean, what are your thoughts on that as someone who gets his picture taken for a living?
Matilda

If there is anything that this horrible tragedy can teach us, it’s that a male model’s life is a precious, precious commodity. Just because we have chiseled abs and stunning features, it doesn’t mean that we too can’t not die in a freak gasoline fight accident.
Derek Zoolander

If nobody has any objections, I believe I might be of service.
David Bowie

You’re excused, and I’m not your bra!
Derek Zoolander

This has been an emotional day for all of us. I think we should get naked.
Hansel

Male models don’t think for themselves.
J.P. Prewitt

I’ve got a prostate the size of a honeydew and a head full of bad memories.
Maury Ballstein

How can we be expected to teach children to learn how to read if they can’t even fit inside the building?
Derek Zoolander


It’s a walk-off, it’s a walk-off.
Billy Zane

Oh, I thought you were going to tell me what a bad eugoogalizor I am.
Derek Zoolander

I felt like, “This guy’s really hurting me.” And it hurt.
Hansel

One of my heroes I guess would be Sting. I mean, I don’t listen to any of his music, but I really respect that he’s making it.
Hansel

You know what, can we just cut it out with all the Earth-tos, please?
Matilda

I think I’ve got the black lung, pop.
Derek Zoolander

You want an opinion? With a push-up bra you could have a nice rack of lamb going on up there.
Maury Ballstein

Listen, it’s not like we think that we’re actually in a control tower trying to reach outer space aliens or something. Okay?
Derek Zoolander

Let me show you Derelicte. It is a fashion, a way of life inspired by the very homeless, the vagrants, the crack whores that make this wonderful.
Mugatu

A week? What, are you having a whack attack? I saw you this afternoon, dum-dum.
Derek Zoolander

I guess you can dere-lick my balls cap-E-tan.
Hansel

Obey my dog!
Mugatu

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